the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
