I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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