Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
