Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
