3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
