For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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