why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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