If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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