it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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