I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
