I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
