I just threw up on my dentist
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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