I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
