turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
