He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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