Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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