Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize