At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
