distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
