It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
