I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Randomize