whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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