just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i think my cat just said my name.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
