Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
