I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
