Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
