that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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