dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
