I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
