you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
