dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
