dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
