My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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