I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
