Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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