dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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