Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
