Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize