this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
