Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
