if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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