I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
