she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
