Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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