I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
