I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize