Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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