I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
