you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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