No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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