I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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