my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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