you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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