i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize