i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
