New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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