so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
