my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
