Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
operation harelip BJ is a go
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
