You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
