so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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