The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
