I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
sarcasm needs its own font
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
