i was born a porn star she said
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
