This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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