Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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