i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
