there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
