She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
