I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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