He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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